cock_adoodle_do

i have come to realize tat everyone has that one person who drives you absolutely crazy. There is always that one person that you let get too close, but i have realized that this was exactly what i needed to give me that little extra push towards success. As i sit here i think about how my current situation has caught me totally by surprise. i would never have thought that this is where i would be but it has just made me realize that nothing is predictable and that life holds so many surprises. And yet as my life keeps going i still do not know what i want. I know i want to be happy but it has come to a point that i have to think about what will make me happy in the long run. i have to think about what will make me happy today and happy months from now. I have those couple people who i can say i honestly love and i do not know where i would be with out them.

last night was amazing!!! had such a good time!!

I wish i was six again when almost anything in the world could make me happy. A happy meal from Mcdonalds could make me smile for hours. I wish i was six so i could know innocence again. True Innocence. I had a whole different perception of the world when i was six. Now as i get older i see the world for what it really is, and although it is not that bad it is not what i thought it was or thought it would be. In the last month i have really gained so much respect for my parents and my elders. Growing up is hard, pushing through hard times is even harder. Some days i feel like i will never move on, other days i am perfectly fine with where i am at. I never thought it would be this hard to move on from someone you loved. I did, i actually did love him with all my heart. He was my safety net. No matter what went wrong i knew he would always be there and now he is gone. At times i could picture myself marrying him... twenty years old and i could see the rest of my life with one person. but people change, i changed. don't know if it was for the better but i think so. Sometimes i would think that i would never find anyone again. I know i will never find anyone like him.
 
I will never fall in love with anyone the way i feel in love with you.


It came out of no where and lasted for so long. But i think i am finally ready to move on. I want to find myself by myself and then find someone who loves me for actually who i am. i want to grow up on my own without worrying about someone else. For once i want to concentrate on me and no one else. I learned so much from him and from this relationship and i don't think i would change a thing because this is what was suppose to happen. Every thing happens for a reason. i thought i would be more depressed crying every day not being able to sleep thinking about him all the time. Well i do think about him all the time, i want him to be happy. I want to be happy and it sucks that we could not be happy together. Everything i learned in this relationship i will take it to the next one. Times are changing and i am growing!!!

I can only rely on myself.

Current Mood: accomplished

no one is perfect and everyone can change for the better each and everyday. if i had one wish it would be that everyday i would change for the better and never the worst. and even after changing for the better everyday for many years people will never be perfect. except people's flaws, no one is perfect or even close to it.

i am almost done with my associates!!! im so excited!! it seems like it took me forever because it did but it feels so good to know that i have actually got my shit straight for once!!!! 18 more credits and im done with 42 down it doesn't seem like much!!! im so happy right now, for a while i thought i would never get my shit together. thanks man for putting me in my place a little bit even thought it did end our friendship.

    i am so grateful that my parents actually made me work for what i have.... unlike other people who get their money from daddy for everything... thank god i know the value of a dollar!!!!

i have been crying now
more and more everyday
it feels like it never goes away
my sadness
he use to make me happy
use to
right now
not so much
how much longer can i hold out
to be with the one i love
how many more tears will i cry
to be with the one i love
how many more sleepless nights
to be with the one i love
its not a question of love anymore
i am trying with all my strength
he's not trying
not so much
everything that i had inside
to fight with is gone
i feel dead and exhausted
i put up the white flag
i surrender

i see things around fall that i once thought were secure
i am scared

i feel like i have suffacated myself with his presence! almost 6 months and we have only not seen eachother for about a week of that, besides that i ahve seen him every day!! i could not leave his side, for some reason he came at the right time, the time when i needed someone to baby me when i needed someone to take care of me! and the past couple days i have thought about things and i have realized that i put everything else aside!! i did not go to school i really did not even try. but now i am actually excited that i am going to be doing something!!! i have got all my shit together almost!!! i am headed back towards the track that i want to take!! no more days sleeping till 5! i ahve realized that for the last 8 months of my life.. since graduation i really have done absolutly nothing!! i have not kept a job for more than a month... i did nothing!!! i need to grow up and move on and now i am ready to step away from the only person that has taken care of me in the last couple months!! not saying im leaving but just that now i can take a step away and give us room to breathe!!! i love you!